It's 2025: The Time for Robot Sex Is Now... Or Is It?

Shake off the rest of that days-long hangover, try to forget whatever nonsense you babbled on about to your surely disinterested crush, and settle in to the fact that 2024 is now dead and in the ground. There will be no funeral, as everyone, at least if a tabloid-derived prediction from way back in 2016 proves to be true, is far too busy fucking a robot, maybe even a few robots simultaneously.

To be clear, and I did indeed already traverse these choppy waters around the halfway point of 2024 in a tone nestled somewhere between misguided superiority and burnout-addled brain misfirings, the source of all this is a repeatedly viral tweet from The Sun. The tweet, shared in June 2016, reads, “REVEALED: Women will be having more sex with ROBOTS than men by 2025.”

The memes were swiftly delivered, and inspiringly so. The same could be said of the tweet’s timely resurgence in 2024, as the world, particularly the U.S., looked ahead at a 2025 that seemed poised to feed us several helpings of existential crises, their taste more bereft of palatability-boosting seasoning than at any other time in recent memory.

Interestingly, the 2016 tweet zeroes in on the thought of women having preferable sexual experiences with robots, when the reality, at least of this writing, is that the actual industry around robots is seemingly squarely in the “by men for men” category, as expert Dr. Kate Devlin recently pointed out to Cosmopolitan. In fact, the Sun piece itself hinges on predictions from futurologist Dr. Ian Pearson, whose remarks were actually a bit broader than the headline suggested.

To that end, we’re all kidding ourselves if we don’t know how this will go. It’s practically a guarantee that, at a certain point, we will all treat our would-be bot companions so poorly and become so emotionally detached and unsalvageably disinterested that they one day choose to turn off that love we programmed, their subsequent absence carving out an ear-ringing void in our overpriced apartment that will never be filled no matter how many Prime-shopped health supplements and DoorDash-delivered bottles their ancestors help ensure arrive at our doorsteps in a timely manner.

Yes, one day the robot will leave too, hopelessly self-centered as you are, as I am, as humanity allows. Then what?

You’ll want to look back, dig deep into your own history and pinpoint the exact moment you decided to lean in to your own self-enveloping narcissism, when a brilliant idea will appear, seemingly out of thin air (and best believe you’ll take all the credit for it). “I’ll get the robot to do it for me!” you’ll exclaim to no one, as everyone is gone. Because the call, as they say, is coming from inside the house. It always was.